The Houchi Play 放置プレイ

Japan, what the fuck? Seriously, this is why you can’t have nice things. Well, that and the constant Godzilla attacks. The Houchi Play is the most bizarre and creepy of the “raunchy” fare I’ve tried on Xbox Live Indie Games yet. As a reminder, that includes a game featuring a giant space pussy.

The idea is you’re an admittedly perverted Japanese dude who tries to sneak up on girls playing dress up. Because really, what guy out there doesn’t fantasize about being a middle-aged man who gets his knob on by stalking females “dressed up” wink, like under-aged school girls? Come on, guys. This shit is creepy as hell. Someone told me that I need to look at the comedy value of this game. I don’t really see the joke myself. It would be different if the dude got close enough to the chick and then got maced in the face or an attack dog came and bit his scrotum off. Well, I guess guys wouldn’t find it too funny then, and it’s tough to be misogynistic if the women folk get an equal share of the yuk-yuks.

The first video game that has to legally stay 1,000 yards away from a school zone.

As for the game itself, Houchi Play is just the school-yard game of Statues done over and over and over again. The chick turns around and looks away from you and you move. She turns back around, you quit moving. That’s the entirety of game. Hilariously, moving is done by pushing the left and right triggers as fast as you can. This is tiring enough that any guys who are, ahem, really stimulated by the comedy will be struck down with “wanker’s cramp” (thanks Yahtzee) before the cow is ready for milking.

Oh, and sometimes you’ll pass a bottle of alcohol, setting off a quick-time “hit the buttons as fast as you can” sequence, where if you get them all, your Pervatar will fill with liquid courage and be able to move faster. Sounds fine, except during these sections I would end up stuck because as soon as I finished the drink the chick would inevitably turn around and face me. Who wouldn’t? When some strange little man who can barely contain his tiny erection keeps inching closer to you, it’s best not to break eye contact. Next thing you know, the guy is up in your face and asking you to come write for his crappy gaming website.

I don’t think Houchi Play is erotic, funny, or a well made game. And honestly, I don’t believe that was the point at all. It’s a novelty. It’s the kind of thing you keep around so when you have friends over, you can tell them “here, let me show you something that is fucked up.” Hell, I did that once or twice myself with Fatal Seduction. Of course, as fucked up as that game was (and it WAS), playing it didn’t make me feel compelled to go down to the courthouse and volunteer to register as a sex offender.

The Houchi Play 放置プレイwas developed by Kohei

80 Microsoft Points can be seen on Dateline NBC, check your local listings, in the making of this review.