How to Get a Girlfriend

Correction: There are apparently more than six questions in this “game”. I played through this four times and got the same six questions in the same order, than I played again to make sure and again got the same six questions in the same order, so you can see how I would think there are only six questions. But, I’ve heard from playtesters that there are apparently more than six questions. Does that make the game better? Um, no.

The bible thumping wackos are right: the only thing keeping me, a well-adjusted heterosexual that is very much in love with a member of the opposite sex, from engaging in full-fledged lesbian orgies straight out of Caligula, is shit like the Defense of Marriage Act and Prop 8. Really, I’m only as straight as the law forces me to be. Of course, I’m a plan-ahead type of chick, and if the Supreme Court rules that I can marry anyone, including a fellow toilet-sitter, I’m going to need tips on how to court them properly. Thank God for How to Get a Girlfriend. Which is ironic when you think about it, because it basically spits on His divine plan. Just think, for the low price of 80 Microsoft Points, someone like me, an introverted autistic girl who took 20 years to get her first boyfriend, can learn the secrets that only the most debonair of ladies men would know. This will certainly give me a leg up on all those house wives that will almost assuredly leave their husbands as society as we know it crumbles around us.

How to Get a Girlfriend presents players (and I sure plan on being a player if you catch my classy drift) with six questions related to picking up women. And it is the same six questions every time, because men who seek dating advice from Xbox Live Indie Games featuring malformed anime girls on the cover art are notoriously slow learners.

The first question asked what you do if you see a cute girl in a bar. I went with the option that most suited me: look really thirsty so that she would buy me a drink.

Shows what I know.

Of course! It all makes sense. So women are parasitic beings whose love, attention, and affection needs to be bought? Oh my God.  I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME! I can’t tell you what it means to find out that we’re all really this simplistic and shallow.

The next question hypothesized that you would encounter a girl dancing, but you yourself are not a good dancer. Wow. This game really knows me. Well, I’m an American and I was on Xbox Live at the time, so I figured I would call her a loser and tell her dancing sucks. Wrong again. As it turns out, dancing is vital, because if you can’t dance, you won’t know what to do with a girl in your arms. Duly noted. It would have been nice if it had been more specific about the type of dance you need to learn. The closest I could find was square dancing lessons at the local Y. Chicks dig that, right?

Next up, what do you do if you have a crush on a girl but she only considers you a friend? I admit, this was a head scratcher. Ultimately, I figured the right thing to do would be hit on her best friend to make her jealous. But no, as it turns out, you should instead keep a distance on her.

That.. makes sense to me. I mean, mysterious is way in vogue right now. Think about it.  Those Twilight movies grossed like a bagillion dollars! Sure, I’m not a hundred-plus-year-old-pedophile on the prowl for subservient chicks who can’t think or act for themselves, so those movies weren’t all that educational. But hey, beggars can’t be choosers. I’m not sure how the whole “mysterious” thing works with someone you’re already good friends with, but I guess that’s why I’m not the dating expert.

Next up: where do you take a girl on a first date? I decided not to go with carnival. Worst case is the girl really doesn’t like me and tells them I escaped from their sideshow. Next thing you know, I’m stuck on the road, going to places like Sheboygan, watching meth producers pay two bits a gander to see the Amazingly Ugly Girl. No thanks. As it turns out, coffee is a good first date. Not the movies. Or ice skating. Oh thank God. So a first date won’t involve me falling on my ass repeatedly. Weird, because if I met the chick at a bar, she would already be used to seeing that.

The next question deals with a subject matter important to all people in the hypothetical end of civilization homosexual apocalypse dating scenario:

With no option for “hire a hitman and have that bitch whacked”, I decided to go with the laxatives. Not only was I wrong, but as it turns out I’ve been using the totally wrong descriptive language towards the women I’ve been courting.

I admit it. I wouldn’t have thought to call (or even think of) any women I was trying to pick up “broads.” But this is 2013. Maybe it’s time we all embrace aggressive, obnoxious flirtation.

Finally, what do you do if a girl comes up to you and tells you she’s not really interested? I actually know the answer to this, but my lawyer has advised me against going into detail here. At least before the jury comes back with a verdict.

Final score? 0 for 6. Well fuck, I guess I really did buy the right Xbox Live Indie Game dating guide, because I had a lot to learn. With the knowledge I have acquired, I’m in an even better position now to commit a crime against nature. Which I sort of already did when I paid $1 for this absolutely unfunny, unlikable, useless, sexist piece of shit game that was developed by a douchebag who wouldn’t know pussy if it sat on his mouth and queefed.

How to get a Girlfriend was developed by Fusion Gaming

80 Microsoft Points are waiting for the Supreme Court to legalize working on the sabbath so that I can do that without fear of being put to dea.. wait, what do you mean you can already do that? But the Bible says not to! You’re all a bunch of sinners and you’re going to Hell in the making of this review!