House of 1000 Demons

Kairi woke up to find she had purchased a strange text-based game called House of 1000 Demons off the indie marketplace for 80 Microsoft Points.

(X) Play the Game.

Watch reruns of American Pickers.

Kairi heard her father talk about games like this.  They were apparently huge in the 70s.  “Big deal,” she thought.  “So was LSD and Disco.  It doesn’t mean in the year 2011 I should be listening to the Bee Gees and watching my hand move.”  Regardless, she pressed on and followed the humor-based story.

Hilarious plot.

Light chuckles but too referential.

(X) A bunch of talentless monkeys throwing darts at a list of pop-culture references and shoehorning them into the most half-assed game since the Press Start simulator.

Kairi slogged through the text, often holding the B button to make it scroll faster.  After choosing the wrong option while dealing with a headless body sitting in a closet, she learns she has to start the entire experience over.  From the beginning.

A fine way to pad out a game that would only last roughly ten minutes if played in full.

(X) Dick move.

After nearly dying from boredom from the incredibly unfunny plot, Kairi completes the game on her third try, shaking her head in disgust at how they couldn’t even write a satisfactory conclusion to their amateurish story.  But the important thing is they got a reference to Army of Darkness in there at the end because, by God, there’s a movie that doesn’t get quoted enough.  In the end, Kairi recommends that prospective Xbox owners who are considering buying House of 1000 Demons should…

Buy it.

(X) Fire a staple gun into their own scrotum instead.

House of 1000 Corpses was developed by xGcRaydenx

80 Microsoft Points thought Turducken is wasteful because it just ends up tasting like chicken anyway in the making of this review.