DERP of Duty and Uncraft Me !

Boob games.  They’re all over Xbox.  They make more money than most of the top-ranked games on my Leaderboard do.  Other XBLIG developers hate them.  I’m tolerate of them, and sometimes even award them my Seal of Approval.  All I want to do is be entertained, which isn’t as hard as people think.  Take the Trailer Park King series.  The three main releases (Trailer Park King 1, 2, and 3) all made the Leaderboard.  The first spin-off, Cherry Poke Prison, did not.  In part, because of burnout on the, ahem, humor, which is exactly what hurt Trailer Park King 3 as well.  DERP of Duty is the second spin-off, and now I’m so burned out that I need a fucking skin-graft.

Ha, BB! That’s a gun too! Brilliant! And the place has Bazookas in the name! That’s a euphemism for tits! I haven’t seen this many plays on words since I last played Scrabble!

DERP of Duty was developed by Freelance Games (80 Microsoft Points still think Trailer Park King is begging to be made into an animated series in the making of this review)

I want to say something in defense of Sean Doherty, the developer of the TPK games: he’s a genuinely cool dude.  He was the first developer I ever talked directly with as Indie Gamer Chick.  I also think he’s probably as burned out on this series as well.  DERP of Duty feels like it’s trying too hard.  As cringe-inducing and skin-crawly as the dialog could be in the early TPK games, at least it felt somewhat organic.  Maybe Sean felt the need to top those efforts with even more shocking banter, but this time it feels hollow.  Without a compelling narrative, the overly-simple pointing and clicking simply can’t carry the game.  I think even the most staunch fans of Trailer Park King will be letdown by DERP of Duty.  It’s time to retire this series.  Sean has established he has the talent to make, ahem, interesting characters and accompanying mythology.  Now, I want to see him apply all this towards a more involved game.

And I don’t mean more involved as in getting guys to spank their monkeys harder than they already do.  XBLIG has enough games that do that, as seen in this collage by Mount Your Friends developer Daniel Steger.  Which I’m sure he compiled for market research and not as part of his newest cardio-vascular workout routine.

But, the real question is: how well do they sell?  Really, boobs seems like no more a sure bet than recent Minecraft clones do.  Judging by the success of Mount Your Friends, it would seem there’s an emerging market for penis-themed games that you guys are missing out on.  So stop being boobs and start dicking around.

And while I’m on the subject of boob games, Team Shuriken is back.  The guys behind such classics as Temple of Dogolrak and Mystic Forest return with a game that has, gasp, actual gameplay!  I know they’ve tried that in the past with Dream Divers, but I still thought the gameplay felt sloppy in execution.  Here, Team Shuriken took no risks.  Uncraft Me ! is a bare-bones punisher with the hook being instead of just jumping, you use a jetpack to thrust around.  And this is Team Shuriken we’re talking about, so beating levels means unlocking risque anime girls with breasts so large I believe they’re medically considered cancerous.

It’s also their first game to win my Seal of Approval and get ranked on the Leaderboard.

Yea.

Pretty sure this was spoken of in Revelations.

Or maybe it’s not a jetpack and the main guysis hovering around using highly-pressurized urine. Which I’m sure is another fetish but I’m too cowardly to Google it.

Look, all I’ve ever cared about is being entertained.  If a game is 50.000001% entertaining and 49.999999% shit, it wins my seal of approval.  On balance, I had more fun with Uncraft Me ! than not, so it gets it.  Sometimes the levels have clever design.  Other times they go for precision-platforming involving, simultaneously mind you: buzz saws, missiles, and timed-barriers that stay closed permanently if you’re not fast enough.  There’s no margin of error for these sections, and the controls aren’t exactly perfect enough to validate their existence.  I had Uncraft Me penciled in as yet another Team Shuriken failure when I played it last week.  As often is the case when I dislike a game by a razor-thin margin, I boot it up one last time just to make sure.  And, what do you know, I was able to finish the nearly-impossible stages.  Barely.  My amigo from TheXBLIG.com Tim didn’t like it it, but I thought overall it was Shuriken’s first decent game.  Not spectacular, mind you.  I could probably name thirty better platformers for XBLIG off the top of my head.  But your money isn’t totally wasted here, nor is Team Shuriken’s talent.

Uncraft Me was developed by Team Shuriken (80 Microsoft Points recommend these girls get a mammogram ASAP in the making of this review)

I guess that’s the most gratifying part.  Yes, they have talent.  Not just talent to lure in the horny teenage demographic.  Actual game design talent.  They’re like Larry Flint.  Peel away the filthy exterior that makes you feel like you need a shower and you discover something downright decent in them.  Do I expect them to focus on gameplay instead of mammary glands?  No.  Then again, I don’t expect to get struck by lightning while holding the holy grail in one hand and a winning lottery ticket in the other.

Uncraft Me is Chick Approved and ranked on the Indie Gamer Chick Leaderboard.