Cuddle Bear (Second Chance with the Chick)

I played Cuddle Bear back in May, and it was an honest and true contender for, at best, the worst game I’ve ever played in my life. Horrible button layout. Terrible level design. Abysmal graphics.  Annoying sound effects.  Thinking of all the games I’ve played this year, I don’t think I can think of a better game that fits the “worst game of the year” description. But, to their credit, the developers read my review and responded with good humor and a vow to do better. On one hand, it’s nice to have one of those rare developers who actually intend to invoke their Second Chance with the Chick. I created the policy figuring I would be doing these types of reviews on a weekly basis, instead of the bi-monthly rate I have going right now. On the other hand, I have to admit that the thought of playing Cuddle Bear again almost drove me to take a razor to my wrists. I almost did it too, but then Brian reminded me that suicide is a mortal sin and if I bled myself out I would go to Hell and get stuck playing Cuddle Bear anyway. Well fuck, he has a point I guess.

“Cuddles, I’m impressed that you pissed the word “Redrum” in blood on my wall. BUT, I don’t think pissing blood is ever a good thing. Have you ever heard of prostate cancer?”

You know what? Happy Sock.. Christ, that sounds like something teenagers jerk off into.. actually did fix the game. They eliminated most of the leap-of-faith gameplay and dick move enemy placement that made Cuddles such a brutal chore of a game to play. Levels can actually be completed without having to trial-and-error your way through them. All other problems are still firmly present, but hey, baby steps!

♫ She’s a Barbie girl, in a shitty world. Crapped and spastic. It’s shitastic! ♫

Did that one change make Cuddle Bear more fun? A little. The problem is the enemies are still fast-moving, annoying sounding bullet sponges that gang bang you if they get close. The enemies tend to “bounce” when they hit you, turning you into one of those ball-on-a-paddle things. If you’re near a ledge when this happens, things really get fun. And getting items is still painfully slow. Yea, the developers stuck cheat codes in, but who outside of those who read the comments on this site would know about those?  I must say, once I had the one shot (or two, but who’s counting?) sniper rifle, the pace of Cuddle Bear quickened and it actually went into consideration for making the leaderboard. Then I got to the fifth stage of the Chinese themed levels, which apparently missed the “don’t do leap-of-faith platforming with enemies dickishly placed on the platforms that cause you to recoil like you just got a whiff of Roseanne Barr’s body odor” memo, and I decided to quit again. Sorry guys, you have a long ways to go. Is it a vastly improved experience? Yes. But, at the end of the day, a polished turd is still a turd.

Cuddle Bear was developed by Happy Sock Entertainment

80 Microsoft Points laughed at Indie Gamer Chick for originally spending 240 points on this piece of shit in the making of this review.

Happy Sock, I saved you the time of cherry-picking my words for the misquoted review blurb. Just copy the words in bold. Hopefully the time I just saved you can be applied towards making your next game suck significantly less.