Arcade Archives: Clu Clu Land (Review)

Yep, I spent $7.99 on this. And this time, the game wasn’t purchased by a fan. It was all me. I also ordered 18lbs of my beloved Mega Fruit gum at the same time. Fuck it, if I’m going to burn money, I want to (eventually, it won’t be here until between May 11 – 18) chew synthetic rubber chased with plastic filler coated in artificial fruit-flavored sugar while I play my over-priced arcade versions of games that I already get free by being a Switch Online subscriber. I’m fucking stupid!

Not entirely stupid. Hey Daddy, if you’re reading this, I used your Visa card for the gum.

I’ll enjoy chewing the lemon, grape, and orange flavors.. once I flatten them with a plate and break them into smaller pieces, at least.. and enjoy using the watermelon flavors on my putting green. Because they are disgusting. Apple is nasty too. Strawberry is what I save when I have nothing else to chew on.

So, Clu Clu Land. Or, in this case, “Vs. Clu Clu Land” even though the title doesn’t include the “Vs.” part. Previously, it had been one of my least favorite Nintendo-produced games. But, I go into these reviews with an open mind. After a few play-throughs of the various modes offered in the Arcade Archives release of it, I’ll admit that Clu Clu Land is simply a bad game and not an all-time toilet clogger. Hey, that’s progress! Also, I’m going to come to the defense of this stinkeroo by saying it’s not Nintendo’s attempt at Pac-Man. That would be Shigeru Miyamoto’s Japanese-and-Europe only release Devil World. Clu Clu Land doesn’t feel like Pac-Man at all, and as bad as it is (and it’s pretty bad), it at least deserves to be recognized as an original idea. Here, you only use the left and right arms to swing yourself around a grid of poles to reveal a pattern of hidden gems. Until the Donkey Kong: King of Swing games (for the record, I didn’t like those either), nothing controlled like Clu Clu Land.

That’s for the best.

Exclusive to the Arcade and Famicom Disk System versions of Clu Clu Land are these Super Urchins that look like that boss you have to blow the whistle to destroy in the NES Legend of Zelda. They don’t appear until you’ve squashed several of the smaller urchins in a stage, and only one spawns per level. They still only require one shot and a shove into the wall to kill, but doing so gives you credit for killing ten enemies. It’s essential if you’re chasing scores.

Really, Clu Clu Land’s controls frustrate beyond reason. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be insanely impressed watching someone who practiced long enough to wire their brain to adjust to the peg-swinging mechanics. I’m sure I could do it with enough practice. But, keeping it real, I could probably also train myself to juggle while riding a unicycle if I practiced long enough, and at least I can make tips at the piers doing that. Honestly, the best thing Clu Clu Land, Vs. or Clu Clu Land D have going for them is the combat formula. You get infinite shots with a sound wave, which stun-locks the enemy urchins that you then push into the walls to defeat. It’s a genuinely satisfying way to kill enemies, especially when they make that wonderful sound that’s a mixture of a crunch and a pop. That part’s fun. Uncovering the hidden patterns.. which is the actual point of the game.. isn’t so much. The bad controls actually take a back seat to the fact that Clu Clu Land is just sort of boring, and there’s no worse sin a game can commit.

This is as close as I came to getting all the gems in the bonus round. I tried so much I have a small sore on my thumb. That’s not a joke. I became obsessed for a couple hours with acing this bonus round and only managed 63.

BUT, before I wrap this up, there’s an interesting idea I didn’t make it far enough in the game to find out about until right before hitting publish. Later in the game, Vs. Clu Clu Land becomes a logic-reflex puzzler when suddenly the gems that form the puzzles have two sides. In order to beat levels, you have to put all the gems on the shiny side (if each turn of the gem is odd and even, it’s the odd side, or first side, that you need). If you have the Switch Online Famicom lineup, the version of Clu Clu Land in it is essentially Vs. Clu Clu Land, only you can start the game on these harder levels, with a fresh and genuinely good idea. This by itself would have saved Clu Clu Land because I was very interested in this concept. However, there’s a relatively quick time limit to each stage. The time limit and the control issues are going to be an insurmountable tag-team when you reach this point in the game. So, Clu Clu Land still sucks, but at least I see a light where a potential remake of this could build a fun and worthwhile play mechanic. You’d be dumb to spend $7.99 on Arcade Archives Clu Clu Land (unless you want to compete on a barren leaderboard where some absolutely horrible play by myself still put me in the top 40 global scores ever). But, the format isn’t as dead on arrival as I figured going into this review. That’s an upgrade in the same way being sick with flesh eating bacteria is upgraded to being healthy and missing a foot.

Arcade Archives: Clu Clu Land was developed by Hamster
Point of Sale: Nintendo Switch

$7.99  still had her Dad’s Visa card committed to memory in the making of this review.