Pixelosity

Pixelosity is an auto-scrolling shooter driven by reflexes and high scores.  There’s really not a lot to say about it, so this review will likely be brief.  You control what looks like a penis head with a rainbow shaft that flies around and shoots bullets, or at least I hope they are bullets, at various ships.  Along the way you can grab power-ups that temporarily boost your bullets, or perhaps a bomb that destroys everything on the screen.  It’s pretty standard wave-shooter stuff that we’ve all played dozens of times before.  Here, the game is skinned in Intellivision-style clothing, but it’s still the same old shit.  If you’re into this style of game, you’ll dig Pixelosity.

I’m fairly neutral on wave/space shooters, and what usually tips the balance for me is how many times the developer fucked up.  Here, there are fuck-ups aplenty.  First off, the background color can sometimes make it hard to spot where the enemy bullets are.  In later stages, the game takes on a bullet-hell twist that can be obscured by the wrong color of graphics.  Second, the enemies can be incredibly cheap.  A wall of four will appear, all shooting quickly enough that its difficult to get in a clean shot on them before they disappear.  The game rewards you with bonus stages if you kill all the enemies, but it’s not always possible.  Third, I hate that the bullet upgrades only last a few seconds.  If you go to a child and hand them an adorable puppy, wait just long enough for them to fall in love with it (8.35 seconds.. not that I’ve done this horrible exercise myself or anything.  I swear I haven’t.  What?  STOP LOOKING AT ME!) and then take it back just to be spiteful, that’s a dick move.  And that’s the vibe I got from Pixelosity.  The game is at it’s most fun when you have more bullets, but those items are few and far between, and when they wear off the game suffers for it.

I still had some fun with Pixelosity, but it’s too generic and too simplistic for its own good.  I might have enjoyed it more if the promised online leaderboards worked, but they didn’t.  I’m told they’re working on a fix for that, but honestly it won’t make that much a difference.  By time the patch is up, Pixelosity will be gathering virtual dust.  It’s not a bad game by any means.  It’s just bland.  Oatmeal without sugar.  Rice without soy sauce.  Teller without Penn.  Michelle Bachman without the raving insanity.  It’s good for thirty minutes and then you’ll wonder why you spent a buck on it.  But if you’re into anything that gives off the appearance of being ancient, party like it’s 1978!  Let’s all drop acid and watch Battlestar Galactica!

Pixelosity was developed by GLHF Games

80 Microsoft Points couldn’t think of anything else that happened in 1978 in the making of this review.

Hurley and Nate, whom I hear drive around in a van solving mysteries together, named Pixelosity the “Catch of the Week” over at Gear Fish.

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Gameplay footage courtesy of Indies.onPause.org