Subtitled “Brides is Brides” which made me think it was based on a specific short. It’s not.

So, this happened. There’s a Three Stooges coin-op from 1984. Yes, really. I wanted to find the story on how exactly this came about, but as far as I can tell, nobody has really talked about the history behind it. I think I can fill in the blanks myself, though. Three Stooges was developed and published by Mylstar Electronics, the company who did the Krull arcade game that I already reviewed, who you might better know as the linear continuation of pinball juggernaut Gottlieb. Gottlieb’s smash hit arcade release was Q*Bert, which I promise I’m going to get around to doing very soon. Gottlieb had been owned by Columbia Pictures since 1976, but in 1983 Coca-Cola purchased Columbia Pictures. Coca-Cola’s first act seems to have been renaming Gottlieb “Mylstar” to move away from pinball and fully onto arcade video games, which were trendy at the time. And Columbia Pictures just so happened to be the studio who produced all those Three Stooges films. So, my working theory is someone very out of touch at Coca-Cola saw that they owned both a video game company AND the Three Stooges IP and said “kids these days love them newfangled electronic games. And if I know anything about pop culture, and hell, I must know a lot because I now work for a company that owns a movie studio and that’s how it works, there’s nothing children love more than the Three Stooges! It’s what MY kids watched when they were children, which was forty years ago!” This ended about as well as you would expect. I don’t know when in 1984 Three Stooges came out, but I do know that Coca Cola closed Mylstar in September in 1984, barely a f’n year after changing their name. What a farce.

On a real arcade machine, there’s three joysticks: left is Larry, center is Moe, and right is Curly. On the PC I use to capture media for these reviews, I could only be Larry (except when I plugged in a second controller). Nobody wants to be Larry. Larry is the Zeppo of the group. However, in the game, he’s clearly the best character. Look at those eyes. Those cold, dead eyes. Those are the eyes of a man not to be trifled with.

This particular game is unrelated to the more famous PC/NES game by Cinemaware. The coin-op game is a lot more like the Atari arcade classic Food Fight, only with a lot more to do. The object is to collect three keys in every stage. The keys are hidden behind various furniture and other assorted fixtures. You have to grab a hammer and then just walk into the objects to demolish them, revealing either loot (dollar bags/stars/award statuettes) that scores points or the keys. Once you grab all three keys, an exit will open up. As you do this, you have to avoid “villains”, cops, and prissy old ladies who can also grab the hammer and smack you on the head. If you run into someone holding a hammer OR a police officer catches you, you lose a life. There’s also a dog and a waiter walking around that aren’t worth any points and just seem to be there for the sake of chaos.

After two stages, you have these levels where singers belt tunes and their music notes damage you. Annoyingly, the last one’s notes linger too long. I almost always lost a life on it. On these stages, you can ONLY use pies, which are quite hard to aim.

You can defend yourself with a slap if you’re Larry or Curly or an eye-gouge if you’re Moe. This stuns enemies and fellow stooges, allowing you to pass by them. If you have the hammer in your hand, you actually drop it quite a ways from you in order to use the defensive smack. However, you can walk into the “villains” with the hammer, giving them one of those cartoonish lumps on their head. This permanently knocks out NPCs for the rest of the level, so it seems like it should be your primary strategy, right? Well, the game has collision issues up the wazoo that I need to talk about. There’s also tables that have a limited supply of pies sitting on them that you can pick-up and throw to stun enemies, but again, every other character on the screen can do the same to you. I also found the pies INCREDIBLY hard to aim since they’re off-center from where your sprite is. They weren’t worth the effort or the comedic effect at all, since all they do is briefly disable baddies (I think the dog’s purpose is to lick the pie off their faces). If you’re playing with anything less than three players, the other stooges will wander around, and they’re enemies now. They’ll chase you down, get in your way, and even cost you lives. I’m not feeling the brotherly love, fellas. On the other hand, NPC stooges can also destroy the fixtures and reveal the keys as well. They can’t collect the keys, but it becomes a viable strategy to dodge baddies and let the NPCs do the smashing for you.

I appreciate that they went to the effort of having different objectives in some stages. In these ones, you not only have to get the keys but you also have to rescue one of your sweethearts from a cell. The problem is, on this level, the cops typically would get to them about one second after I grabbed the final key. If this happens, you have to keep replaying it over and over until you finally do rescue her. Being a dummy, it took me a while to remember to grab the key closest to her cell last.

To be frank, I kind of figured that the Three Stooges would be a terrible game. Just the fact that literally not one person on my timeline had ever seen a Three Stooges cabinet in the wilds of 1980s arcades was ominous enough. But, what was even more alarming was that many were shocked it even existed at all. This coin-op has NO presence in gaming’s collective memory. A complete non-entity. So, you can imagine my surprise that whether Three Stooges is a bad game or not isn’t cut and dry. The sound effects really carry the day here. The digital voice samples don’t sound anything at all like the actors, but a small handful of quips are here AND they come in three different pitches to differentiate the stooges. “Wise guy, eh?” Here. “Cheese it! It’s the cops!” Here. Wait, that’s a Three Stooges quote? I figure it was a gangster film thing, but it’s here. “Yuk Yuk” is here too, though it’s so sad. It sounds like a duck with laryngitis, and I’m not even exaggerating. There’s also various satisfying snaps and slaps that season the violence. Violence that feels comically authentic to the franchise. Don’t get me wrong: it’s not exactly Street Fighter 2 levels of OOMPHful, but it’s nice to just haul off and slap the crap out of someone. Honestly, for a 1984 game, this does a remarkable job of staging a believable Three Stooges short film-like gaming experience.

There’s even an ending of sorts. Given that each cycle of levels feels identical to the one before it, that’s really not a very big deal.

Unfortunately, collision detection is inconsistent. When I had the hammer and tried walking into anyone, I usually had to shimmy back and forth to register that permanent knock-out hit. If the NPCs also had a hammer, forget it. I legged it. It’s not the worst collision I’ve seen, but lining up strikes was harder than it should be. And that’s not even the biggest problem. It’s too easy to get caught-up in the scenery. This is one of those games where if you clip into something, be it the walls or one of the fixtures, the computer doesn’t know what to do so it sort of pushes you backwards. But, you’re still moving towards it, and it causes the sprite to stutter-walk. Do you know what I’m talking about? That thing? It does that thing. Movement in general lacks smoothness to it. If this had Robotron or even Food Fight like gracefulness, I don’t think I would have even had to think about Three Stooges getting a YES! or a NO! I’m shocked at this phase in the review, I’m still debating it. If only it had something to put it over the top. Yes, if only.

This was my best non-cheating single player game. It was one complete cycle, at which point the game found its teeth and I barely lasted past the first stage.

Well, guess what? Three Stooges does manage to make it into the end zone. What makes it truly unique is how multiplayer completely changes the gameplay. When you play with more than one player, each key is assigned to a specific stooge (in two player mode, there’s a wildcard key either can pick up). You can all smash the furniture (if you find a hammer) to your heart’s content, but only Larry can get the silver key, while Moe collects the blue one and Curly the green one. THIS is so much more interesting. Three Stooges almost becomes an entirely different experience, and one that works WONDERFULLY! Friendly fire is on and all times, so you can play cooperatively or play cutthroat. I’m stunned to report that this was one of the funnest multiplayer experiences I’ve had in 2023.

Holy crap. I didn’t see this one coming. I’m stunned.

First I played with the usual gang of idiots: Dad and Angela. Dad, goody-good he is, earnestly tried to collect keys while Angela and I resumed our sibling rivalry from Vs. Balloon Fight, “accidentally” killing each-other until it became crystal clear to all observers we were most certainly committing fratricide on purpose. All the while our father was yelling at us to stop being chowder heads and get our keys, ultimately giving up with the words that will live in Vice Family lore for generations untold. His exact quote: “alright, f*ck it! I’m killing you both!” And he did. About thirty minutes into our session, my nieces and nephew came over to the house, saw us playing, and they wanted in. Hell, my mother and even my crotchety old AJ wanted in. We took turns dropping in and out, and while there is a sharp learning curve for younger children (or non-gaming old farts like AJ), we had such a great time. I want to say Three Stooges isn’t a great game, but I’ll be damned if this wasn’t one of my favorite games I’ve played in 2023. I figured it would be cynical and soulless and awful. It’s none of those. Honestly, it could use more polish, but it has an intangible charm and makes for a one-of-a-kind multiplayer experience you absolutely don’t want to miss. Who owns the rights to this game now? Is it Sony? Holy crap, I think it’s Sony! Hey Sony, re-release Three Stooges! I’m telling you, you’re leaving tens of dollars on the table.
Verdict: YES!